Depression

It's been a month from my last post, and there's good reason. So much has happened in the past month, idk where to even begin. My life has been so sad and gloomy. I've come to realize I'm not happy here, and in December I will be moving back to southern California. No, Connor will not be coming. You put two and two together. I honestly don't see how this is going to work. It makes me so upset to talk about it, but honestly I'm just so lonely. I barely know anyone here, and I'm not even motivated to meet new people here. In my mind I already know where I want to be, and it does not involve being couped up in an apartment for another year feeling invisible. I haven't really been motivated to do anything lately. It seems like this whole year is just a waste. Like I could of actually done something important. Instead I just wasted away and told myself over and over that everything was going to be AOK. It finally hit me after our one year anniversary. He didn't get me not one thing. Like I understand some people aren't hopeless romantic, but what a low blow to not even write a nice letter or do something cute. It's not even about presents or money, its about showing a person how much you care about them. I can't go on living this lie. Our differences, our immaturity, and our stubbornness drive each other away. Honestly Connor is a good kid and he deserves to be happy, but it's my fault this relationship had to come to an end. My selfishness wants me to be happy, and I'd much rather be single surround by my real friends then be fully dependent on one person to make me feel loved. I bet I could count the times me and Connor actually did something (other than sit in my apt, watch movies, get food, and eat) on my hands. I'm bored here, I'm bored in my relationship, I'm bored period. I feel as if I'm barely living. The last thing I did remember-able here was with Yeliz in August when we went to a art museum. She took a bus all the way to Montana and stayed with me a week cause I was just so blah. Not to mention there are no beaches here, I barely even saw sun this summer! I visited California for my 21st bday, and that's been my favorite part of this year. Idk I'm just rambling, and most of you probably hate me by now, but idk what to say. I'm sorry if you think I'm perfect. I'm so far from it. I have so many problems, I've been hurt so many times, I've hurt so many people because I was hurting deep down inside. Sometimes I take my misery out on my friends and family, but I'm really sorry if you guys are reading this. I just don't have many people to talk to. I depend on my friends for happiness. I try not to let clinical depression get me down, but it eats me up sometimes. Smiling only goes so far. I wish I could just go live 24/7 and be able to talk to people all the time and smile, but there's only so much I can say without feeling blue. Certain people think I ignore them, when really I just avoid them subconsciously cause I'm afraid of what they may ask if I let them in to much. These walls I build around my heart not only keep bad things from hurting me, but good things to make me happy.



God I just wish things would be different. I wish people would just realize I'm a normal person too. I'm not famous you know, just popular online. If I'm ever famous, I want it to be for the right reasons. I want to help legalize gay marriage. I want to fight for what I believe in. I want to do good for society. I don't want to settle with not being able to do what I love to do best! I want to motivate people to be positive, be themselves. I don't want to be a hypocrite and tell people to do things, then sit back miserable and don't do what I want to do myself. Not sure if you'll understand what I'm talking about, but I want to be happy and be true to myself. I cannot be true here, cause I'm surrounded by loneliness and false hopes. Dreams do come true, but if they happen this way, I'd just rather not do them at all. Dreams should make you feel good inside, motivate you to reach your goal. The thrill is in the chase. If feeling like a ghost in my own relationship will make my dream of finally finding true love and getting married come true, then I want to be single forever. God I'm probably not making any sense. I wish you all could understand me how I understand myself sometimes. I wish you could feel the emptiness I feel. Connor I do love you. I can't tell you enough how much it's true. It's just not how I pictured my life to be. Maybe when we grow up a little, we can try again...but right now I just cannot do this. You have every right to be angry with me. I have failed you and let you down. You deserve much better and you know it. I just hope you don't hate me after this. I still want you in my life, even if we're just friends. You are a big part of my life. Please never forget that. As for everyone else, go write your blogs about me. Talk about how much of a piece of sh!t I am for being a complete failure at happiness. I could care less what you write cause I'm my toughest critic. I wish people would just stop being obsessed with drama for a bit, and realize we all need to come together and help one another. Not bash people and let them down. How is the LGBT community suppose to progress, when we can't even come together! I honestly have more gay male haters than straight homophobic haters. Gay guys just love bringing me up and talking about drama constantly. I'm sorry you hate me so much, but understand we all want equality. To do that we need to come together and make peace. Just think about that next time you go to bash someone in your own community. Don't do something you wouldn't want done to you.



On an even worse note, my uncle's wife died two days ago and yesterday was his birthday. He's not my blood uncle, but a friend of the family who's been there for my mom through thick and thin. He's helped us more than anyone else in our family, and he was one of my only uncles that even came around like a real family does. He would come every holiday with one of his famous pies. His Easter pie even won awards and was published in the newspaper! After my dad went to jail, my mom couldn't afford to buy food and clothes for us. Uncle Lou use to help us and take us shopping, and make sure we were all happy. He told my father he would look after us, and he did just that. He always made sure we had our back to school supplies every year. Honestly I probably wouldn't be popular online if it wasn't for him. No way would my mom be able to afford a computer. He bought our family one when I was 12, and I instantly became hooked. I was on it 24/7 and started blogging on Xanga, learning HTML and graphic design. It's even where I met my first boyfriend. Anyway, Lou and his wife were married 57 years, and were dating for 5 years before that. She was his one and only true love, and he was always happy with her. She was diagnosed with cancer two years ago, and has been suffering from it ever since. They said her heart was simply to weak to undergo surgery. Poor Lou has been so devastated, it makes me so sad to think about. I called him earlier to show my respect, and hope that I will see him when I visit New York for the holidays. He sounded so down =[ My mom says he can't sleep or eat =[ =[ =[ I wish I could help him. I don't want him to give up on life. I honestly am scared he won't be around much longer. People at his age simply give up after something like this happens, and it depresses me so much. I cannot imagine being with someone over 60 yrs, then watch them slowly die in immense pain for two years. Slowly becoming more and more immune to the drugs they were giving her. Ugh it reminds me of my grandma who died a few years ago. She was 40 something pounds when she died. I saw her a few days before, and I wish she didn't have to suffer like that. She had a large baseball size tumor on her neck making her lean to the side, and it looked like it completely controlled her. As if she had no control over her own body anymore. Its so sad. I'm going to end this blog cause its starting to bring back bad memories. We shouldn't dwell on the past, but look towards the future.

-Matthew