It's been a month from my last post, and there's good reason. So much has happened in the past month, idk where to even begin. My life has been so sad and gloomy. I've come to realize I'm not happy here, and in December I will be moving back to southern California. No, Connor will not be coming. You put two and two together. I honestly don't see how this is going to work. It makes me so upset to talk about it, but honestly I'm just so lonely. I barely know anyone here, and I'm not even motivated to meet new people here. In my mind I already know where I want to be, and it does not involve being couped up in an apartment for another year feeling invisible. I haven't really been motivated to do anything lately. It seems like this whole year is just a waste. Like I could of actually done something important. Instead I just wasted away and told myself over and over that everything was going to be AOK. It finally hit me after our one year anniversary. He didn't get me not one thing. Like I understand some people aren't hopeless romantic, but what a low blow to not even write a nice letter or do something cute. It's not even about presents or money, its about showing a person how much you care about them. I can't go on living this lie. Our differences, our immaturity, and our stubbornness drive each other away. Honestly Connor is a good kid and he deserves to be happy, but it's my fault this relationship had to come to an end. My selfishness wants me to be happy, and I'd much rather be single surround by my real friends then be fully dependent on one person to make me feel loved. I bet I could count the times me and Connor actually did something (other than sit in my apt, watch movies, get food, and eat) on my hands. I'm bored here, I'm bored in my relationship, I'm bored period. I feel as if I'm barely living. The last thing I did remember-able here was with Yeliz in August when we went to a art museum. She took a bus all the way to Montana and stayed with me a week cause I was just so blah. Not to mention there are no beaches here, I barely even saw sun this summer! I visited California for my 21st bday, and that's been my favorite part of this year. Idk I'm just rambling, and most of you probably hate me by now, but idk what to say. I'm sorry if you think I'm perfect. I'm so far from it. I have so many problems, I've been hurt so many times, I've hurt so many people because I was hurting deep down inside. Sometimes I take my misery out on my friends and family, but I'm really sorry if you guys are reading this. I just don't have many people to talk to. I depend on my friends for happiness. I try not to let clinical depression get me down, but it eats me up sometimes. Smiling only goes so far. I wish I could just go live 24/7 and be able to talk to people all the time and smile, but there's only so much I can say without feeling blue. Certain people think I ignore them, when really I just avoid them subconsciously cause I'm afraid of what they may ask if I let them in to much. These walls I build around my heart not only keep bad things from hurting me, but good things to make me happy.
God I just wish things would be different. I wish people would just realize I'm a normal person too. I'm not famous you know, just popular online. If I'm ever famous, I want it to be for the right reasons. I want to help legalize gay marriage. I want to fight for what I believe in. I want to do good for society. I don't want to settle with not being able to do what I love to do best! I want to motivate people to be positive, be themselves. I don't want to be a hypocrite and tell people to do things, then sit back miserable and don't do what I want to do myself. Not sure if you'll understand what I'm talking about, but I want to be happy and be true to myself. I cannot be true here, cause I'm surrounded by loneliness and false hopes. Dreams do come true, but if they happen this way, I'd just rather not do them at all. Dreams should make you feel good inside, motivate you to reach your goal. The thrill is in the chase. If feeling like a ghost in my own relationship will make my dream of finally finding true love and getting married come true, then I want to be single forever. God I'm probably not making any sense. I wish you all could understand me how I understand myself sometimes. I wish you could feel the emptiness I feel. Connor I do love you. I can't tell you enough how much it's true. It's just not how I pictured my life to be. Maybe when we grow up a little, we can try again...but right now I just cannot do this. You have every right to be angry with me. I have failed you and let you down. You deserve much better and you know it. I just hope you don't hate me after this. I still want you in my life, even if we're just friends. You are a big part of my life. Please never forget that. As for everyone else, go write your blogs about me. Talk about how much of a piece of sh!t I am for being a complete failure at happiness. I could care less what you write cause I'm my toughest critic. I wish people would just stop being obsessed with drama for a bit, and realize we all need to come together and help one another. Not bash people and let them down. How is the LGBT community suppose to progress, when we can't even come together! I honestly have more gay male haters than straight homophobic haters. Gay guys just love bringing me up and talking about drama constantly. I'm sorry you hate me so much, but understand we all want equality. To do that we need to come together and make peace. Just think about that next time you go to bash someone in your own community. Don't do something you wouldn't want done to you.
On an even worse note, my uncle's wife died two days ago and yesterday was his birthday. He's not my blood uncle, but a friend of the family who's been there for my mom through thick and thin. He's helped us more than anyone else in our family, and he was one of my only uncles that even came around like a real family does. He would come every holiday with one of his famous pies. His Easter pie even won awards and was published in the newspaper! After my dad went to jail, my mom couldn't afford to buy food and clothes for us. Uncle Lou use to help us and take us shopping, and make sure we were all happy. He told my father he would look after us, and he did just that. He always made sure we had our back to school supplies every year. Honestly I probably wouldn't be popular online if it wasn't for him. No way would my mom be able to afford a computer. He bought our family one when I was 12, and I instantly became hooked. I was on it 24/7 and started blogging on Xanga, learning HTML and graphic design. It's even where I met my first boyfriend. Anyway, Lou and his wife were married 57 years, and were dating for 5 years before that. She was his one and only true love, and he was always happy with her. She was diagnosed with cancer two years ago, and has been suffering from it ever since. They said her heart was simply to weak to undergo surgery. Poor Lou has been so devastated, it makes me so sad to think about. I called him earlier to show my respect, and hope that I will see him when I visit New York for the holidays. He sounded so down =[ My mom says he can't sleep or eat =[ =[ =[ I wish I could help him. I don't want him to give up on life. I honestly am scared he won't be around much longer. People at his age simply give up after something like this happens, and it depresses me so much. I cannot imagine being with someone over 60 yrs, then watch them slowly die in immense pain for two years. Slowly becoming more and more immune to the drugs they were giving her. Ugh it reminds me of my grandma who died a few years ago. She was 40 something pounds when she died. I saw her a few days before, and I wish she didn't have to suffer like that. She had a large baseball size tumor on her neck making her lean to the side, and it looked like it completely controlled her. As if she had no control over her own body anymore. Its so sad. I'm going to end this blog cause its starting to bring back bad memories. We shouldn't dwell on the past, but look towards the future.
-Matthew
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Depression
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They won't all be sunny days
life's gonna bring down some rain
but after it's over, you'll be that much stronger for the pain
so even when you're sad
know that everyday you have is
Still Beautiful <3
Well I can tell you I understand the depressed feeling. Just remember that things will always be worse before they start to get better. Don't ever let life get you down, you are truly an amazing person, I mean it. <3
I wish I could take all your sadness away and tell you everything was alright. I wish you wouldn't have to feel the pain that eats you up inside and slowly makes everything seem pointless. Please stay strong. You shouldn't be depressed. You deserve to be happy. Just find something or someone or even a group of people that just make you smile each time you see them and slowly the sadness will disappear.
Stay strong.
LoppyBunny Xo
I'm very sorry to hear all of that. I've been so busy with college and a job, I havnt had much time to see you live or anything so its been a while sence I've heard from you. Your happier in South Cala, so go there and have a wonderfull life. You will find someone else that is right for you, and who knows, myabe like you said when your older you can try Connor again. Look at it this way, It was a great experience with good memories. (or so I hope!) I do understand your lonllyness and emptyness. I can not say I know how you are feeling because no one can feel anyones emotions but themselfs because everyone is different. Im not sure if you have clinical depression or not...But I'm diagnosed with Major clinical (soon dyothermia *s/p* for being diagnosed over 2 years) I've felt...empty and all that sence I can remember. But try to look on the bright side of things no matter how horrible things may seem. I smiled when I heard that you have a connection with Uncle Lou. I was very close to my grandpa who died 2 1/2 years ago from cancer. He was my hero, honestlly I can go on about him forever. When he passed away my grandma was the same as your uncle Lou. He will make it through with family and friend support. Hang in there, things will get better for him AND you. You have a full life to live, so move to south Cala, and start fresh. Have fun, and be happy.
aww i am so sry matthew. i had no idea u felt this way. but i understand how u feel. always remember though u are really an amazing person. yes u are normal like we all are. but u are trying to make a difference in this world and most people who dream of making a difference dont even take the steps to make it happen. but u are. i remember when i first got introduced to u. i was like wow he is hott haha. then i read up on u and got to talk to u and started to realized what u are trying to achieve. Even though I am straight now and we had a falling out I always stayed and will continue to stay supporting u. I believe that noone should judge us but God. So if people wanna date and marry the same sex, more power to them. I refuse to even sit or be around people who are homophobic. Things will get better for u matthew I promise. And u noe i am always here when and if u need me. Even when u dont. I will be here :)
Don't give up on hope. Yes, life has it's ups and downs, but once we push through those downs, the ups can be more than we've ever asked for. I was just diagnosed with Leukemia a few months ago, and I'm only 18. I know how it feels to just want to move away and start a new life. And I still have yet to do it, because I know that the few friends that I do have here at home, I will miss the fun times that we've shared.
I will pray for you and your Uncle.
Just remember that God has a plan for everyone, and it's going to be amazing.
Don't let people get you more down then you already are. Of course, you're an internet personality and everyone just assumes to know you oh-so-well, but in the end you're the only one who really does and I'm glad that you stand up for your decision. Break-up's are hard and really no one but yours and Conner's business afterall. stay strong.
best wishes to your uncle too.
My boyfriend is so, so similar to you in the way he wants a relationship to be for him. He's such a romantic, he has to always be reassured that he's loved and cared for and special and the best of all my boyfriends. And it has caused problems because for awhile he never explained to me exactly what he wanted. But because we love each other, we learned to work together and even though it may frustrate him to do it, sometimes he does just tell me exactly what he'd like for me to do/say in certain situations and I always keep them in mind and we're no longer constantly fighting or breaking up, we have managed to make it work just by talking about what we want/need in a relationship and telling the other person EXACTLY when it happens what bothers us and talking about it instead of letting it build up. I dunno. If you do love someone, you can overcome things and make it work with one another. I'm sorry about your break up and how you feel though, I hope it all gets better and that feeling goes away. :( You're a good person. Nobody is perfect and nobody can make the world happy. Good luck with everything, Matt.
You know... When I first heard about you, I was so into the things you believed in. That was almost 3 years ago. In that time, I watched you change so much that for a while, I didn't even want to listen to anything you said anymore... But reading this, I see that you've grown so much. You really are a special and amazing person. Take it from one of the lovers in our society... having such a big and lovely heart isn't easy. It's so much harder to be caring than people give you credit for. You're a beautiful person, Matthew Lush. Inside and out. There is no beauty without pain, there is no love without heartache, and there is no reward without risk. Life is so hard, and it's so confusing, but take everything positive you can get, find the positive in the negative, learn everything you can soak up, and love everyone as much as you can. In just that, you can make a difference. You have support. You don't know me. You never replied to a single comment or myspace message of mine, and you have no idea how much of an impact you've made on my life, but I want you to know that none of that is important. What's important is that you are a human, a good person, and so am I. I'm here for you. No matter where you are or whether or not you give a damn if I'm here. Have a blessed and beautiful day, honey. Smile, because it's always worth it.
Perfection is simply another imperfection.
Choosing to live where it makes you happy and want to be more than you already are in life is not a selfish lifestyle... It's just life.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked…
You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with your's.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…
the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters,
throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary… what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either –
your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…
don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it,
it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..
Dance…
even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings;
they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old,
and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair,
or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy,
but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia,
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
<3 Lauryn Holliing
Matthew, I dont know how much of a difference this will make for the way you feel, but I just want you to know that in the time i have followed you, be it on myspace, plurk or whatever, you have helped lift me through so many things. You were one of the biggest strengths for me when i was comming out to my parents and friends. You've been a light (weather u knew it or not ^.^) in my life thats hellped me keep my head up high. I was never one of those dramatic gay guys that talked about your drama, however i always listened when you had somthing to say. Weather you are viewed as famous, or infamous, it doesnt and will never matter to me, your an inspiration reguardles. I also never thought you were "ignoring me" as alot of pple seem to think you do. I left comments and such for you because i wanted you to know just how special u are. Never expecting anything in return because i knew you had your own issues (which you clarify boldly here) You have such a beautifull heart matthew, dont let the world cover it up. If connor really loves you he will understand your reasoning behind things. You just move on, and go and do what you do best and be a beakon of light for the world. I know u were and always will be in mine. :) <3
Forever your friend (even from a distance) Mikey
Faith.
Gratitude.
Love.
Believe.
Trust.
Know.
Illuminate.
Share.
Smile.
Your forever will come one day.
I see it.
*extends hand & hug*
I am Danile.
I see things others cannot sometimes.
I see you & smile.
Enjoy every bit, piece, feeling, & emotion life gives you.
It will make you humble & grateful, to feel the lows now, and make the highs life gives you soon, soo much sweeter.
~Namaste
I know where you're coming from Matt. I hope that you're able to take those walls down around your heart someday soon. I wasted my early 20's because of it, when I couldn't accept that I was gay and I was trying in vain to live a straight life which led to heartbreak and years of bitterness and depression. Things have changed since then and now I feel much happier and I've also grown a lot, but I had to take charge and change things much like you're doing.
My condolences to you on the loss of Uncle Lou's wife, you guys need to give him as much support as he can have right now so he doesn't just give up on life.
You're a truly special and amazing person and I truly wish that you can find happiness again. I do hope that you and Connor can someday get back together, you two complimented each other so well that is was shocking to me when you guys split. He's also in a lot of pain right now though and those feelings are gonna have to subside first. In the meantime I hope you can make the most of your move back to CA and enjoy your trip to NY for the holidays. I'm hoping to go to NY also around that time, there's nothing like being there for the holidays! Take care buddy! XOXO <3
Wow, This was seriously pretty intense to read.
You shouldn't be so self centered to the fact that it's ALL your fault on your failed relationship first of all. Honestly, It ALWAYS takes two to tango my friend.
You said to Conor that he deserves more, Well never under mind yourself Matt. You deserve more as well.
It's just very hard to walk into a relationship looking for someone to make you feel loved when you don't even love yourself.
I know how this whole internet popular bullshit thing goes. Been there, Done that.
And all I can really take from it was that I surrounded myself with a bunch of other people who just wanted to feel loved and accepted some how in some way.
But we get a bunch of haters or "Internet Bullies" who find joy in bringing pain and sorrow to people who tried there absolute BEST to stay away from all the drama and just LIVE.
I don't think enough people go with the "Live and Let be" quoute, It's a sad reality that we live in, but we learn to live in it over time.
At 13 I was told by a doctor I was a Manic Depressive, So I know how it can be just to get through ONE DAY somtimes it can feel like a life time. But you constantly tell yourself, it's FINE. Just keep going and your head high.
Sounds easy enough? HA.
But that's why we attempt to surround ourselfs with friends CONSTANTLY.
My worst fear in life is to be 100% alone.
And Love is a HUGE fear of mine, because sure as you said...You can get together and be inlove for 60 years...but eventually, one of you will die and be alone again.
It's a bittersweet world we live in...
But I totally get you.
I know everythings not alright right now, I can't say that it is. I can say that things will get better, with the good comes the bad, and when things are bad it turns around. Once you hit rock bottom you got no where else to go but up! You're doing the right thing by ending things with Connor, you deserve the right to be happy! As for your Uncles wife and you grandmother, I am so sorry to hear that. I have had a few friends pass away and it's the toughest thing I ever had to go through but I have no doubt in my mind that you can get through all of these things, and even help your Uncle through his pain and suffering too. I wish you luck on coming back here to Southern California, and making all you dreams come true and reaching all your goals. Take care hun! <3 were all here for you one way or another, just ignore the bashers.
Nankurunaisa. <3
i love you.
I wish I could help. I wish I could say that I understand. Hell I'm living it, but it's so much different for everyone.
** hugs **
:/ i guess some people think that because you are like so popular on the internet this makes you pefect, but your a normal person,...but i hope things turn out ok :) like i got told there is no such thing as a bottomless pit, when you hit the bottom, there is nowhere to go but back up (via ladder?) :)
hey matthew, my name is john. i have never left u a comment or even rarely seen you live. but i do keep up-to-date on your posts. and this one just hit me really hard.
i'm going thru the exact same thing, so i completely know where ur coming from. i think we all go thru this. of course, it is different and complicated with every person, but i know where ur coming from.
i hope u have at least one friend whom you can tell anything and everything to, i don't even have that, tbh. :-/
but what cheers me up is when i see children and grandmas and grandpas just smiling, having a good time. it really does make you wonder about life, and what really matters and what really is silly and unimportant.
next time the sun is shining bright outside, take a walk alone, and just have a conversation with ur inner self. and reflect on whats important to you, and what changes need to be done to accomplish those goals.
*hugs*
when something goes wrong, it always seems to happen all at once. and it's very tough to live thru. but u will persevere.
and just remember, this too shall pass.
:]
~John~
oh and if u ever need to talk to someone u can trust, aim me: jpaddie04. take care, and look straight ahead to the light.
thats right, you are your own judge. dont worry about anyones opinion but your own because in the end, your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters. trust me, i know.
Matthew,
First and foremost I'm just going to throw it out there that you have lifted my spirits and touched my life countless times. So if you can't satisfy yourself, I understand, but at least you can bring joy into other people's lives.
Reading this was touchy to me..I've been in this spot, and I still am. I recently got out of a 14 month relationship with someone i loved more than anything, i would have taken a bullet for this boy. I treated him so well, just like you treated him and didnt get much back but the lonely feeling. I thought I was going to marry this boy, and as much of a number it did on me, it was a learning experience. I miss him, and I always will but I wont accept less than i deserve and neither should you becuase you are a beautiful person. I'm not going to tell you things will get better cause this recent into the breakup i know that as much as people tell you that it just doesnt seem real to you. But I will say that you control your own happiness, and if you have the desire to move on than you can do it, I know you can. Matthew, you have a beautiful heart and deserve nothing less than perfect. Healing is a huge process but we are with you all the way. Depression is an awful feeling, but do your best to find people you love and lets dry our eyes and move on together.
Thanks for everything you do and I hope I can be of at least 1% help to you.
We all love you matt.
Matt, Give it some time. Things will all get better soon. One door closes and another opens. I hope you have a safe trip back to California, you'll be in my prayers.
Btw, anyone that hates you, talks about you behind your back, whatever is not worth it. They aren't your true friends. You're a sweetheart and you don't deserve shit like that.
Take care sweetie, I know you'll probably never do this, but if you need anyone to talk to, I'm on myspace, message me and i will totally try and help out. ^^ Cause someone as amazing as you deserves true friends.
myspace.com/speedinguptheoctaves
Love, JillyBean.
Oh my goodness...I'm so sorry you are going through this kind of sadness. I definitely know your pain. But don't worry, everything will pull through. Sometimes you fall before you fly! You are not a hypocrite, everyone has their bad days and good days. You're a wonderful person and amazing inspiration for what you want to accomplish, and I honestly believe you'll get there. Keep your head up. Things will get better <3
Hey Matt. I just hope things get better. Well, they will, eventually, I'm just gonna tell you one thing, don't fear the future /: Some decisions are rough and some aren't but we just have to deal with it, even though it may take time.
In a side note, if you think your life is kind of boring, you should do what I do, look forward for new experiences. P: I still wanna bungee jump but that's what I wanna do xD
Things are gonna change. And you'll grow strong from it :)
-Gio
i dont understand how anyone could hate you. all you do is try to make everyone else happy and try to help others and right now you deserve to be selfish. you shouldnt have to be depressed to make every other person happy, you deserve way more than that. if connor really loves you, which im sure he does, he'll be hurt but he will understand. right now everything seems so confusing and hopeless, a break from it all is just what you need. go to cali, have fun, and find yourself, everything else will fall into place. good luck with everything matthew, i wish only the best for you.
i'll tell you ive been threw depression and im for the gay marrige, and its not all going to be easy. its like putting your hand into hot water it burns so you pull back and your smart enough not to go back again. my bf just left me for the same reason because my bf said he needed time, and im getting back together with him. im sure conners not mad at you just allittle hurt, which is pretty normal. but just think if you guys get threw this and you both have hope when you get back togther it will all be better. i hope your going to be ok, no one deserves to feel this way. no matter how mean or crewl they are. get better soon and be strong you can do this. im a willing ear to anyone who needs someone to talk to. id never use it against you. be strong matt.<3 i have faith in you<3
I dont know if it would help but i think i understand how you feel.
i really admire you, and have some kind of affection to you.
I send you greetings from Peru.
IDK why i feel the need to say something to try and help ease at least 1% of what your feeling, even though you had no idea of my existance before reading this post, but I feel that when people are hurt, is when they need all the support they can get from anyone. Even though I can't understand the pain of losing a loved one, I know how scared you must have felt when you found out about her illness, I having felt it once, and I understand how you must have felt when you realised what you had to do so you could be trully happy, and know that not that many people get that far and end up going down the wrong path, but in the end, you'll realize that the storm will pass, and suddenly you'll see the sun high up in the sky, and you'll just know that everything will be alright. Remember that when you don't know what to do first, firstly think about YOUR happyness F!RsT(it might help)
I trully hope you get there without falling too many times on the floor, and I wish you the best of luck. (& I'm sorry this turned out so long)
P.S.
"We must try not to sink beneath our anguish, but battle on."
&
"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."
Both Quotes from J.K. Rolling's Harry Potter Movie4, Albus Dumbledore. (sry 4 da nerdyness in that)
I'm sorry you're depressed, Matthew. I understand how a person can love someone, yet be depressed with it...so please, do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Life should be lived for yourself...Yeah, it's cool to have someone to chill with till you die, but I don't know, I believe if I can live a happy life on my own, I'll be happy alone if necessary.
I wish you luck <3
wow, it sounds like you're going through a lot. I totally understood what you were saying. I was having a bad day today, and then I saw this, and I realized how much I need to grow up. You seem pretty tough, and I think a lot of people don't realize that. You are such a loving and amazing person, and I hope things get better for you soon. No matter what happens, you are not alone - lots of people love you for who you are. Thanks for posting your thoughts about love and life. You are so right about achieving dreams. I'm sorry about your aunt, too.
When I read your posts, I relate to what you say. Even though you are an internet celebrity, you feel like a friend to me. I know that sounds kind of creepy, and you probably won't even read this, but I just wanted to post my thoughts because you've done a lot to help me, even though you don't know me. You're inspiring. I hope things get better really soon,
~Claire
Hey =)
I'm so sorry about your losses =( Good luck in your move. I'm sure things will get a ton better. Stay strong gorgeous
i hope you feel better about life. i hate when people feel like shit about themselves and their lives. even though i dont know them, i brings me down. cheer up kid. the future is bright =] trust me.
you should probably go to www.mylifeisaverage.com because it's funny and it always makes me laugh when i'm having a bad day.
I understand exactly how u feel && I feel the same way right now too. Reading this actually made me cry, because I can relate your words so well. I hope we both become happy with life again really soon :(
I've never been good at showing sympathy..but i've sorry your life isn't where you want it to be. I'm glad to see that you know that in order to be happy, you have to sacrifice though. It makes you seem a lot more like a normal person. I've always watched your blogs and videos out of curiosity without ever commenting or anything. But this blog really touched me. I hope that everything works out for the best. You seem to have a really good heart and I love your goals and ambitions. Good luck with THE FUTURE. :))
-David.
I don't hate you Matthew, if it counts for anything I think admitting your imperfections is one of the bravest things you can do yet it comes naturally to you because all you want to do is be honest and a good person. I know because that is exactly how I am, I'm always trying to comfort others and make things bareable for them at the expense of my own happiness which is what causes the depression I have. It won't go away and you probably know that, the little black dog will always be there you just have to train it and not let him consume your life.
I really admire your beliefs as they are the same as mine, it's tough being an animal activist, straight edge, LBGT supporter, humanitarian and all those other amazing things but you have to persevere. It's people like you that the younger generation need to look up to, especially when they see that you can fall but get back up again admitting the truth and moving on.
I'm sorry about your losses but I'm glad you've admitted them and got them out there. I like the metaphor, wounds will heal but the scars never fade, you just have to wear them with pride. Thank you for being a good example Matthew and thank you for being real. I understand what you're going through because I've just been through a really bad patch in my life as well. Chin up, you have so much potential make sure you show the world what you're made of!
Love Em xxx
Hey, Matthew.
We don't know each other... Although, I did fan over you at one time, but I got over it. I'm still supportive in all the deeds you do, and with all the hopefulness you give everyone. I can tell you're a strong person. A firm believer in yourself, and you stay true to just that. You're an inspiration, Matthew. You will always be an inspiration.
With all the efforts you make to better everyone else's lives, you deserve nothing less from happiness. It's probably not much coming from a complete stranger, but I really hope that you can be happy - at least, happy again. If you are happier elsewher, then that is where you should go. Take in all the great, happy feelings. It will do you some good. I can tell, you have a warm heart. You need to be nurtured with special hands. I wish you well on finding those hands.
And, in regards to your uncle, I'm deeply and sincerely apologetic. To understand what you and he are going through... Cancer... A member from my family is undergoing treatments and medication... on top of the other problems she is encountering.. it's scary.. My grandmother, whom I've lived with the majority of my life...
Matthew... please be strong... you give so many people strength and encouragement. We should do the same for you.
Things should get better. Will get better. And, not to sound weird... but know that I love you. I care for you. Allow your sadness to wash away... there is so much love for you.
Be strong...
Depression is never really helped by the pretty words and sympathetic notes, but you aren't alone. You are simply another human being, going through the same things that people everywhere are going through. You are battling the same demons as everyone else, and you will prevail.
Life isnt bad its the surrounding factors that make life miserable. I know. I have dealt with so much pain. Everyone does, so youre not alone. No matter what, someone somehow, somewhere loves you. Always keep that in mind. And if you give up youre not letting life win youre letting all the horrible factors and the people that cause them win. Keep your head up. There is hope.
I, as well as many other members of my family, battle severe depression. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I can identify with what you're feeling.
My uncle[rip] used to say that it's not where you are, but where you're going. It helps me when I'm down, because even though I feel worthless and ultimately a waste of space, I know that if I just work a little bit at a time, I can get through depression and make goals for myself.
It's really tough sometimes, Matthew, but as long as you work towards the light at the end of the tunnel, you'll find it. You're an amazing person with so much potential, and you are NOT wasting your time. Just think of this period as an "introspective" point in your life for you to re-arrange yourself on the inside.
As far as relationships go-You can't find someone unless you find yourself first. As painful as breakups/death are, you can only use them to build onto yourself and learn. Love and let only the good memories remain as you strive to make more.
You can do it. We all can.
Through perseverance and creation, we can make ourselves and our world a better place.
You're amazing Matthew. :) Don't let anyone tell you any different.
P.S. As an artists, our sources of happiness involve creation. Perhaps removing the "block" may help?
Well Matthew, I'd just like to let you know, though I do look up to you in a way for being who you are and being so outspoken about your beliefs, I do not believe you to be a god, nor do I have you on a pedastal. I believe that everyone can trip and fall along this road of life, and a pedastal just gives you a lot further to fall. I think you are an awesome person, and I understand this breakup thing pretty well. I know that right now things suck, nobody understands you, and you feel so broken and alone you think you may never be made whole again nor happy with anyone else. Just remember, everyone deserves their moment to just let go and cry before they pick themselves and begin to rebuild, so take your moment and cry it out knowing that when you are done, waiting for you will be more strength than you ever thought you had. If I could, I'd be your shoulder and ears. Also, remmeber this, a breakup is never about who's to blame it's about realizing what you really want and learning so that when your one comes along, you have learned enough to recognize it. In closing, though I know it feels like you are all alone, almost lost in a foreign country or something, you have more than you realize right now. Sounds like your uncle is one of the most valuable people in your life. You are never alone. No matter the direction you turn, there is at least one person who will be there to help you pick up the pieces, you just have to find them and let them help. I hope you find some encouraging words and people to lend you strength until you've found you own. "Whenever you've hit the bottom, you've nowhere to go but up." You may have to find the bottom before you find the way out. <3 Sending you much love.
Abby
I am going through the same thing where i fill invisible and no one notices that i am really sad deep down inside i just wish that i could find that one guy that would love me for i am and not because i am cute or have a nice body and i am really starting to get to the point to where i don't think that i will find that one person that i like or that they like me. The point is that i will never give up on wat i believe in either there should be gay marriages in all fifty states because i think that if you love someone then no one else should care as long as you love them. Me and my bf are going through the same thing but i just hope that make it through it and i am here if you ever need someone to talk too.
P.S. my myspace name is ~Peacefully Finally and i am already one of your friemds so just look me up and message me if you ever need help or just some to talk to.
Love ya as a friend ttyl <3
All I can say is wow after reading your blog. That was very deep. Surround yourself with good people and stay strong. You already have many great people in your life, Yeliz being one of them :) She is an amazing girl. I dont think you give yourself enough credit. I mean, you have had such a great impact on many of our lives. Keep on fighting for what you believe in and dont give up! You are a GREAT person and Im not just talking out of my ass. Because of you, you have made me a better person. You have given me the motivation and empowered me to stand up for what I believe in. I guess its our turn to return the favor. If you are ever feeling down, come on and talk to us on stickam. Like you say... people are on 24/7 :)
Xoxo, Brooke (awsumchick07)
Hey i am so sorry to hear about you and conner. I am sorry that i just brought it up to you when you told people not to. Well i am messaging you righ now because i know wat you r going through. I hate that i can't be with the one that i love and the one that i am with that i love alot but lives to far away. that is besides the point this is suppose to be a happy message and i want you to know that i am with you on the whole gay marriage thing it should be legal in all 50 states. I am really glad that you are a person that is gay and really accepts gay pride just like me i love gay people but right now i am really down in the dumps because me and my bf r going through some tuff shit and i really don't think i can handle it but i know not to give so i am not going to.
Well if you ever just want to talk or need advice i want you to know that i am one of the friends that will help you even though you really don't know me but i will. So if you ever want to talk just message me on myspace my name is shelby delphin i am already one of your friends.
P.S. I will treat you the way you should be treated not in the way that you think but like a real person not like someone that is famous because you r just to nice to be but you r on the computer but you r human and i regular person just like me and i and that is what i want people to notice about me but just know i will treat you like an equal so just message me or call me sometime just ask for my #.:)
~SJDD~
Hey i am so sorry to hear about you and conner. I am sorry that i just brought it up to you when you told people not to. Well i am messaging you righ now because i know wat you r going through. I hate that i can't be with the one that i love and the one that i am with that i love alot but lives to far away. that is besides the point this is suppose to be a happy message and i want you to know that i am with you on the whole gay marriage thing it should be legal in all 50 states. I am really glad that you are a person that is gay and really accepts gay pride just like me i love gay people but right now i am really down in the dumps because me and my bf r going through some tuff shit and i really don't think i can handle it but i know not to give so i am not going to.
Well if you ever just want to talk or need advice i want you to know that i am one of the friends that will help you even though you really don't know me but i will. So if you ever want to talk just message me on myspace my name is shelby delphin i am already one of your friends.
P.S. I will treat you the way you should be treated not in the way that you think but like a real person not like someone that is famous because you r just to nice to be but you r on the computer but you r human and i regular person just like me and i and that is what i want people to notice about me but just know i will treat you like an equal so just message me or call me sometime just ask for my #.:)
~SJDD~
Hey!!! I know how you feel. I'm 24 and a couple of months ago I got out of a 2 year relationship. The first 2 weeks was the hardest part for me. But after a while, I was able to move on. It sucks that life brings heartaches but at least it doesn't last long. Try your best to stay strong and know that better days are coming.
Hey Matthew. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I've had depression for 3 years, and I know it can be tough. I'm sure nobody hates you just because you're making a necessary change and are going through a tough time (or at least they shouldn't). Take some time to discover who you really are and what you want to do, and hopefully it'll make you much happier. Maybe the change of scenery from Minnesota to California will be a good one. As long as you're happy, that's what really matters. Anyway, if you ever need to talk, i'll be here for you. jacobgarcia2012@yahoo.com feel better. <3 Jacob Rob Garcia
Omg Matthew, im so sorry, i understan what ur talking about, and i hope u start feeling better, just keep ur head up high, and think positive, and im glad ur moving back to California, hopefully u can start living life wonderfully again.
love u and always will
Casandra Vicencio
Matt. I know how you feel I really do. All I can say to relate to you is 'Just cause I smile doesn't mean I'm happy, It takes one smile to cover a thousand tears.' Idk who wrote that comment but I hope you read it and take it to heart that there are people out there who know exactly how you feel. E-mail me sometime and we'll talk. I'm having issues with someone I love to. maybe we can help each other out. Deathchick142@hotmail.com Don't be afraid to talk to me, I'm the most understanding, forgiving and sweetest girl you will ever meet.
Oh my. I wish I had the words to piece together at the moment. It's not much of an excuse being 'it's 6 in the morning...' blah blah blah. However, I do care what happens with you. You are such a cutie-pie. I remember first seeing you on myspace and I started practically squealing going, "Awww!" Life gets us down more often then not. & we tend to take more of the negatives to heart rather than the positives. But don't give up. Life will get better. You have to help yourself get your 'happily ever after.' As cliched as it sounds, it's what I believe in. You seem like such a sweetie even though all these hard balls have been thrown at you. Keep your head held high and keep those who are close to you in your heart. The storm will pass with time. Until then, feel free to blog & tell us how you feel. You have so many fans who want to listen. It's probably not very significant like I said, but it's a bit of a blunt truth. I hope the words reach you. Remember, we adore you.
Matthew,
As a 41 y/o mom who has done PLENTY of moving in her life, let me give u some advice....Do what ever you need to do to be happy. If you have given something a shot, good for you! Life is about lessons..can't learn any if you don't try! Don't wish something away because the lesson stays with you. How would have ever known you how much u love a place until you leave it? Good Luck sweetie and stay happy. I enjoy your online ramblings!
I'm sorry to hear about your aunt hun and your depression.
Just wanted to let you know that I'm here if you ever just need someone to listen while you rant.
I know what its like to be depressed, most days I can't even get out of my bed. What gets me through is remembering that people need me and I can't chase my dreams if I let the dark eat me up.
Just remember Matthew that you've changed so many people's lives, you've given them something to believe in and to work to.
If there's only one thing I've learned from 6 years of clinical depression is that you have to help yourself before anyone else can help you. My advice, maybe just letting one of the people you've helped help you, you never know, you might be back on your feet sooner than you think.
I really do hope you get better soon, and please remember to keep eating and you really do have people that care about you.
Much love, Rach
:/ I know how you feel, when you really turly love the person as a person and you dont want to let them go because you did fall in love with them, but you cant be with them because of how sary it is that its nothing like what you imagined love to be.
He'll be mad and I dont know that he won hate you forever, but I wish you the best because honestly you'll so very great things.
Goodluck
Hang tight is all I can say. Life gives no promises but it also never leaves you without hope, so never loose that even when dark times stretch from one horizon to the next. Well anyways I'm cheering for you, sweet dreams and even sweeter morning I wish you.
I know how you feel, hun. And I'm very glad that you wrote this. I've been in a relationship where I spent two years of life being depressed and only getting worse. I even gained about 20 pounds because of it. We were even talking about getting married but one day I realized I truly wasn't myself anymore and I needed to break up with him. As much as I loved him it just wasn't working.
I finally feel more myself and I've since lost the extra weight. I still lose my way occassionally so you writing this helps me keep myself on track. Admitting there's something wrong and doing something about it is a huge step and I'm glad you've made it!
Good Luck, Matthew <3
i can say this yeah i understand life can be this way and i can honestly say your a veryy good person<3
Wow I feel all of what you said. About two years ago i had pretty much a lot of the same things happen to me (kinda started to get chocked up cause of the memories it brought back for me). I left just picked up and left and never looked back I've been travelin the country workin ever since. I'm happy and doing alright... being single is starting to suck now... no one has been up to par =/ lol. You'll be alright you just gotta push through it.
I making one too at 16yo after lost my FIRST TRUE lover who had tells me after 2 years of friendship who was in love with me too.
Benoit was virgin at 15yo and despite don't be the cuttest teen my heart was beating for him since two years without tell him I was gay. I was so affraid lost his great friendship.
But all evening during summer I was late alone with him in his music room in the basement listening soft alternative music of 70's like Yes, Star Castles, Simon & Garfunkel, Cat Stevens and many others group like that.
The only light was a black light and Benoit was shitless with white CK tight brief. His bulge was so define with the black light BUT never hard and we smoking good weed for relax and sometime his georgeous lips touching mine when he giving me the best "Shut gun" with his mouth.
One day, two years later in his basement unable wait more I said to benoit "I love you" His face is became as a star and answer me "ME TOO Jez ME TOO".
I begin kiss hime with my tongue and his 8 thick cut dick was so bigger. He undressed me - I had just a Nylon short Nike with brief inside my short like all sport's short. Uncut he said to me. let me smell you juicy headcock and I had full of precum after 30 minutes of caress - He was so excited live his dirty wishhes - Smell and taste a juicy wet head enclosed inside long foreskin.
Sudenly the car of his parents was in the garaage and fastly after hearing the car door closed we had put our small sport's short and our t-shirt so sad.
Rodger his Dad entered by the garage door and benoit as always had open his music room door. His Dad was liking me as his son and when he had seen me he said, Jeremy it's late we go tomorow morning for our summer house ok. Benoit come sleep upstair right now.
Without be able kiss him I said Bye Ben call me when you will come back OK with a wink and smile.
Benoit had a horse accident and he is die three day laters... This horse had crushed his head with his hoof two time completly panic-stricken :(((((((((((((((((
Again I miss him a lot
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